Now let’s look at Case #2. It’s the toughest one of all. What do you do when your partner is head over heels in love with you, but you can’t reciprocate the feelings? You feel both pity and annoyance. You tend to focus on the weaknesses and the bad habits of your partner. Soon you cannot stand him/her. Clearly, you need to break up. You don’t want to feel like a heartless beast, though. You want to avoid a possible scene. You don’t want to be hated or thrown things at. You just want out! Here is what you should do.

Don’t call on the phone but send an e-mail or a text message to your partner saying you have been thinking and need to meet with her/him to talk. This should give some early warning, which is key. If you call, the inevitable question, “What’s wrong?” will follow, and you don’t want to break up over the phone—only spineless jerks and cowards do this. Use the phone only if you are in a long-distance relationship.

If you live with your girlfriend/boyfriend, then you can skip the e-mail/text message intro. If you plan to be the one moving out, pack our stuff when your partner isn’t at home and move it out of the house. Leave it in your car, at a friend’s house, or wherever you plan to live next (you shouldn’t sleep in the same house with your ex that night or any future night). The fewer things of yours you leave in the house, the clearer your message will be. If your partner thinks there is a chance of talking you out of your decision to break up, believe me, he/she will try. You don’t want that.

Your speech needs to be well rehearsed and brief. In most cases when one of the parties does not expect a break-up (at least not at that moment), the break-up will be anything but brief. Your part in it, however, needs to involve as few words as possible.

It’s better to get to the point quickly. Questions like, “How was your day?” are okay, as long as they get answered by a simple “Fine.” With a most solemn expression, then say that you’ve been thinking a lot lately, and you don’t think the relationship should continue. I know it sounds trite, but it works, and you are halfway done. Now you need to be silent and let your girlfriend/boyfriend express her/his surprise and ask a question.

Questions like, “Is it me?” are much easier to answer than those like, “Is it because of another man/woman?” The correct answer in the first case is, “Of course not! You’ve been great!” You can go on to explain that you feel you are not right for her/him; you can say it’s nothing personal, just a feeling you have, and one needs to trust his/her heart. No one should be in a relationship if his/her heart isn’t one hundred percent in it. Your soon-to-be-ex will appreciate such an answer even if it conceals the real reasons why you want to break up (you’ve met someone else, for instance).

In the latter case, the honest thing to do is, of course, say the truth. If there is no other woman/man involved, then say it. But if there is, in my opinion it’s better to be evasive than answer on the affirmative. If someone breaks up with me because he is in love with another woman, I will feel much better if I don’t know about it.

If your ex starts accusing you of being this or that, don’t respond. Remain calm, don’t object, and let the storm die off on its own. When your ex is done, he/she may even apologize, especially if you’ve shown class and had not attempted to argue.

Don’t search for examples that explain why the relationship is not working for you. If you do, your ex partner will try to convince you that these problems can be easily fixed. Alternatively, such details are only going to make your girlfriend/boyfriend feel bad about herself/himself, and you, in return, may fall in to the trap of pity and delay the break-up to a less tearful time. Remember, the more you delay, the worse it will get. Or at least it won’t get better. If you are sure that you want to break up, do it there and then.

If you don’t live together, the “there” may be tricky. Rule #1: Don’t ever set up a romantic stage for a break-up. This will mislead your girlfriend/boyfriend and will make things difficult for both of you (remember the pity trap!). I suggest meeting at your partner’s place or somewhere where it’s not easy to be overheard. Rule #2: Don’t break up in a restaurant. Think of how awkward it would be to chew your food while announcing your decision. If you manage to eat, you’ll prove to be not just indifferent but heartless and inconsiderate. Don’t do it. Plus, you don’t want any scenes in public. Your ex will probably have things to say to you, and you should give her/him every chance to do so. If you don’t, I can guarantee you things won’t be over when you leave the restaurant. Your ex will need closure and will make sure she/he gets it. So, it’s best to choose a private and romantically neutral place, give your pitch, wait for the storm to pass, and then go home. If you’ve managed to stay calm and polite, you should congratulate yourself. You’ve done well.

As for Case #1, all I can say is I hope you’ve been dating someone who knows how to do Case #2 right. Otherwise, it will hurt badly for a while, even if you surround yourself with friends, work all day, or start some type of therapy. If the break-up is done the right way, on the other hand, your confidence level shouldn’t drop (at least not for more than a couple of weeks). You may find yourself a bit confused, as if at a crossroad with too many options. Looking back wouldn’t do you any good. You’ve already been there; plus, someone has put a barrier behind you. Don’t try to force your luck and sneak back. That road has ended for a reason, and you have plenty more options ahead of you. Be an adventurer, explore the new destinations and never look back.