A CLOSED MINDED OPEN LETTER TO PETA
- By Vonzig Darke
- Published 09/7/2008
Vonzig Darke
Vonzig Darke was thrust into this world somewhere in the bicentennial. The 1980's nearly drove him insane as he he watched The Day After and had subsequent nightmares for the next decade thus causing him to cancel plans during Reagan and Gorbachev's Iceland summit.
Dear People Enduring Terminal Assholism. (PETA)
I NEED A GIFT BAG.
I have never bought a puppy dog, kitten, rabbit,
komodo dragon or anything within the ranks; they have always
came to me (don't ask about the komodo dragon, it's a painful
tail-I MEAN TALE that dwarfs Where the Red Fern Grows.) in need
of food and shelter. I never knew where they came from nor did
I drill them for questions. I let them into my home and cared
for them. I'm not much of an animal person due to the fact
that an abusive uncle handed me a jellyfish on my third birthday.
In the past I have let almost anything into my domocile but I
did not give the wandering armadillo a chance; I regret that
and hope it is doing alright. Some call these types of nomads
'lowly beasts.' I beg to differ.
A few whiffens past, neighbors took notice of a (wait, what do
you call them? I don't want to be disrespectable) packs/litters/
gaggle of skunks. I thought of the possibilities and decided I
wanted them to roam free as all animals. They took residence under
my house and one sprayed. We can go on all night saying small
woodling creatures are harmless, but this resulted in forced
evacuation of my premises. Hey, I remained cool about-didn't
spin gravel in their direction as I drove away.
The incident set me back a couple of bucks to say the least.
I reasoned the skunk had gotten scared and reacted the only
way it could. Did I want to kill or neglect it? Certainly not.
I did what any animal lover would do and called the local
animal control.
"Whyntcha just shoot it?" The man asked.
"First of all, I am a peacenik and don't
own a gun. More
importantly, discharging a firearm in city limits at an
animal? I don't need a felony rap."
He then offers a live trap.
"Then what do I do with it?" I ask.
He tells me he doesn't deal with it.
So I took the trap, baited it with commercial Vegan
dog food and waited...for ten days. The morning after DAY
10, I awoke to find the trap had disappeared. Either I had
underestimated the strength of a skunk or someone had ripped
off the trap. End of story.
Not so fast-I felt compelled to tell City Hall that I owed
them a trap. The animal control officer tells me he had
picked it up-skunk and all.
"I didn't know." I told him.
"I HAD TO go get it. You let it die."
For a moment, the visuals struck my heartstrings and sad
cellos mewed as I thought of the skunk reaching toward me
through the trap-his little paw dehydrated by the 8 AM heat
of the day. I ran to find water and some antibiotic drip...
But no, I viciously let it die in my sleep.
Enough of this horseplay. This is a true story and I would
like to request a gift bag for the skunk I let die. Don't
get all cocky and send one of those fancy Doggy-Body Bags as
you did with people answering your ad in Dog Fancy. I want
this skunk to go under in style.
I wonder did you think of possible consequences to your
third grade shenanigans? Some people probably can't afford
a bag after buying an AKC registered dog and probably had
to use the body bag when shopping for pet supplies; I'm sure
this caused some raised eyebrows from passerbyes. If I was
expecting a gift bag-which you stated you would send-and
received a body bag for the pet skunk? I would have been
so angry I would have beaten the thing to death with the
body bag.
I NEED A GIFT BAG.
I have never bought a puppy dog, kitten, rabbit,
komodo dragon or anything within the ranks; they have always
came to me (don't ask about the komodo dragon, it's a painful
tail-I MEAN TALE that dwarfs Where the Red Fern Grows.) in need
of food and shelter. I never knew where they came from nor did
I drill them for questions. I let them into my home and cared
for them. I'm not much of an animal person due to the fact
that an abusive uncle handed me a jellyfish on my third birthday.
In the past I have let almost anything into my domocile but I
did not give the wandering armadillo a chance; I regret that
and hope it is doing alright. Some call these types of nomads
'lowly beasts.' I beg to differ.
A few whiffens past, neighbors took notice of a (wait, what do
you call them? I don't want to be disrespectable) packs/litters/
gaggle of skunks. I thought of the possibilities and decided I
wanted them to roam free as all animals. They took residence under
my house and one sprayed. We can go on all night saying small
woodling creatures are harmless, but this resulted in forced
evacuation of my premises. Hey, I remained cool about-didn't
spin gravel in their direction as I drove away.
The incident set me back a couple of bucks to say the least.
I reasoned the skunk had gotten scared and reacted the only
way it could. Did I want to kill or neglect it? Certainly not.
I did what any animal lover would do and called the local
animal control.
"Whyntcha just shoot it?" The man asked.
"First of all, I am a peacenik and don't
importantly, discharging a firearm in city limits at an
animal? I don't need a felony rap."
He then offers a live trap.
"Then what do I do with it?" I ask.
He tells me he doesn't deal with it.
So I took the trap, baited it with commercial Vegan
dog food and waited...for ten days. The morning after DAY
10, I awoke to find the trap had disappeared. Either I had
underestimated the strength of a skunk or someone had ripped
off the trap. End of story.
Not so fast-I felt compelled to tell City Hall that I owed
them a trap. The animal control officer tells me he had
picked it up-skunk and all.
"I didn't know." I told him.
"I HAD TO go get it. You let it die."
For a moment, the visuals struck my heartstrings and sad
cellos mewed as I thought of the skunk reaching toward me
through the trap-his little paw dehydrated by the 8 AM heat
of the day. I ran to find water and some antibiotic drip...
But no, I viciously let it die in my sleep.
Enough of this horseplay. This is a true story and I would
like to request a gift bag for the skunk I let die. Don't
get all cocky and send one of those fancy Doggy-Body Bags as
you did with people answering your ad in Dog Fancy. I want
this skunk to go under in style.
I wonder did you think of possible consequences to your
third grade shenanigans? Some people probably can't afford
a bag after buying an AKC registered dog and probably had
to use the body bag when shopping for pet supplies; I'm sure
this caused some raised eyebrows from passerbyes. If I was
expecting a gift bag-which you stated you would send-and
received a body bag for the pet skunk? I would have been
so angry I would have beaten the thing to death with the
body bag.
